And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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