Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
