Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
