What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
