ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
