Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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