I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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