when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
