I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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