Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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