The maid of honor just puked.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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