Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She even gives head with a lisp.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
