my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
