So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
