A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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