@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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