so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
