I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
