I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
