he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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