I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
