I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
