My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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