Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
