Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
