i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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