Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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