we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
