im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
