what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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