I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
