the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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