I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
