Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
