Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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