At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
