Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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