Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
