Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
