Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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