I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
