saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
