oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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