I'm jealous of your bromance
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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