it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
