THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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