If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
