Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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