Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
