Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
