Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
